Cut and Paste

I have had several emails asking if I was back at work, how I was doing and how I was feeling. This is the answer to one of those emails. Because I really don't have a lot of energy for writing, I thought I would just cut and paste it and use it as a blog post.

See how I am?

I went back to work on Tuesday. I took Monday off to clear things out of daddy’s room. We still have the bed to move out, but otherwise we are done. We gave dad’s TV to his roommate, along with his DVD player and VCR, the wall unit that held those items and a few other pieces of furniture. Danny was thrilled with the TV…he didn’t even have one before he became dad’s roommate, so getting a big flat panel hi-def wall mounted TV was a big thing to him, but I think he was almost as thrilled to receive all of daddy’s ball caps. He is a man of simple pleasures. We also gave him daddy’s electric lounge chair…which he used most of the time anyway. We are taking the bed to Cousin Sharon, who is on her last legs…she is also getting the other electric lounge chair we had put in the parlor at the nursing home. My brother and Cousin Dan are going to deliver those things to her this weekend.

The service was beautiful. After weeks of snowing and blowing, the day turned out perfectly clear, and all the snow had melted off the ground. We had the service at the cemetery, which has an incredible view of the mountains daddy loved so much. I’ve never seen the mountains so big…as if they were welcoming him home. There were over 100 people there, including Wolf’s half-sister who came in from Wyoming and people Mike and I went to school with, some I hadn’t seen in decades. It truly was lovely. My best friend Barb played her guitar and sang "Let us Walk in the Light", which is a hauntingly beautiful song and entirely appropriate for the occasion. The service ended with a 21 gun salute, presentation of the flag and taps which nearly brought me to my knees crying, but it was all so beautiful…

I am still going to the nursing home at noon every day. It’s hard, because I expect him to be sitting in the dining room waiting for me, but there are a lot of people that depend on me to cheer them up, feed them and pick things up for them at the store…I can’t let them down. I am not, however, going after work, it’s just too hard because that was when he was wide awake and usually pretty with it and I’m just not ready to go there…so I need to find something to do with my evenings. Last night I spent an hour picking lint off of a sweater while visiting my brother who was making a carrot cake to take to the folks at the nursing home…so at least I’ve got that going for me.

I know I still haven’t answered the questions you asked. I am, doing. Every day is a challenge to get through, mainly because he was such a huge part of my life. Every single day had daddy in it, and I loved it. I try to stay busy; walk a lot, talk on the phone a lot, meditate a lot, and cry a lot.

How am I feeling? Raw, as if every nerve in my body has been exposed. I knew daddy was going to pass on, I just didn’t think it would be this soon. I wanted more time. More hugs, more hand holding, more reminiscing, more rubbing his back, more of everything.

I know they say time will help, and I’m hoping that it will, though it really didn’t with mom, as I still miss her every single day. Right now I feel empty, alone, orphaned at the age of 52. I know that sounds ridiculous because I have a wonderful son, brother, cousins, and friends. But that’s the way it feels.