Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Just sayin...

These are some of the thoughts I have had on my 28 mile daily commute:

~If you pull out directly in front of me as I am driving on the winding two-lane highway that leads to my work, you had best be prepared to eventually reach speeds approximating the posted 60 mph limit.

~If you are on your cell phone, applying mascara and breast feeding your child all at the same time, please do the gene pool a favor and do not breed again.

~If there are 13 cars, 7 pickups, a semi and four mine busses behind you, it may be an indicator that you are traveling too slowly…either pick-up the pace, pull over on a side road or go home and never drive again.

~If you drive like a bat out of blazes, passing cars on blind corners and double yellow lines and find that you arrive at your destination within seconds of the first person you passed, you MIGHT have defeated your own purpose.

~If you cannot pass an envelope between your car and mine, you might be too close. Any closer and we better be dating.

~If you meet a car and it has its hazard flashers on, NEWS FLASH—there is a hazard ahead. Now is an appropriate time to put on your brakes.

~If you look on the side of your steering wheel, somewhere there is a “stick”. If you push it down it indicates that you are turning right, if you push it up, it indicates that you are turning left. This is available on all newer models and you really should try it sometime.

~If you pull out in front of me on the highway, drive ¼ of a mile at 10 mph and then turn onto a ranch access road, I may hunt you down and pummel you with a large blunt object.

~If you are hauling loose items in the back of your “pickup truck”, there is a strong possibility that they may blow out and be broken to bits upon the highway. This is Montana, ya fool; the wind blows here. If you are too stupid to tie things down, buy a topper shell or better yet move to where the wind does not blow.

And finally, last, but most certainly not least as I meet this Einstein every night on my way home from seeing daddy at the nursing home:

~ If you are driving your four-door Dodge Ram 4 X 4 Pickup with the 12 inch lift kit and the fog lamps as bright as the Seattle Airport Beacon, you had best either stay on your own side of the road, or dim your bright lights so that I might be able to see to pick my ditch.

By the way, that’s quite the commuter vehicle you’ve got there, Brainiac.

Thank you for letting me vent. I feel so much better.


thailandchani said...

I still can't believe that idiot breast-feeding her baby while she was driving. Makes Britney Spears look like a Mensa member! :)


threecollie said...

Good post! Amazing how these people seem to cover the entire country with tactical bad driving, isn't it?

Anonymous said...

The big problem with East Texas drivers is that they're each in their own little world. They're not purposely trying to irritate people by driving 20 miles under the speed limit in the passing lane, they are simply unaware that there are other drivers out there.

Squirl said...

I am with you on all of those. The one about fog lights really gets me. I drive into work in the dark most of the year. My eyes aren't ready for your vehicle to look like its brights are on while you're still legally blinding me. Thanks for this post.

NatureWoman said...

Oh yeah, I'm right with you on *all* of these. The one that REALLY kills me the most are the ones that pull out in front of me while I'm going 62mph, and they can't seem to find the accelerator. I just don't get why they pull out in front of me in the first place. So then I have to risk my life to pass them.
Those halogen lights or whatever they are that are so bright they blind me.

Anvilcloud said...

There is much truth here.

Laurie said...

Chani, I don't think I will ever get over that one either.

Threecollie, maybe they are all related?

Thomas, that might be it! They are the center of their own little universe, oblivious to the rest of us!

Squirl, no kidding! I have been tempted to wear my sunglasses at night lately.

Naturewoman, I think Thomas has the right idea on this one.

AC, are Canadian drivers as bad?

Lynne said...

Hilarious but all too true!

We've just spent the last year with our 16 year old doing the driver's permit thing and while we want her to be cautious, we've told her that no one should have to hit their brakes when she merges onto the freeway. It's her resposibility to move along and not cause a hazzard. If she's uncomfortable driving the speed limit she simply doesn't belong there.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

I am goig to have to look for that stick-thingy in my car... (o; xoxox

Anonymous said...

and are breast-feeding your child at the same time. Hahahahaha.
All women applying mascara while drving & breast-feeding should be given immediate cardiac catheterizations. I bet you they'd never do it again :-). ~Mary

Montana Gal said...

I agree with you, Lynne; I have told my 73 year old mother the same thing - if you are too scared to drive on the freeway, DON'T DRIVE ON THE FREEWAY. Those are always the people that cause crashes in their wake. I think that 4x4 idiot lives down the street from me...

Ur-spo said...

oooh but I can't stand people driving and talking on cell phones!
Last week I lost my cool and told a person to get off the phone/that was dangerous.
She did not thank me for my advice but replied with unladylike shouting.
She did not stop talking though, only paused in the conversation.