Cut and Paste

I have had several emails asking if I was back at work, how I was doing and how I was feeling. This is the answer to one of those emails. Because I really don't have a lot of energy for writing, I thought I would just cut and paste it and use it as a blog post.

See how I am?

I went back to work on Tuesday. I took Monday off to clear things out of daddy’s room. We still have the bed to move out, but otherwise we are done. We gave dad’s TV to his roommate, along with his DVD player and VCR, the wall unit that held those items and a few other pieces of furniture. Danny was thrilled with the TV…he didn’t even have one before he became dad’s roommate, so getting a big flat panel hi-def wall mounted TV was a big thing to him, but I think he was almost as thrilled to receive all of daddy’s ball caps. He is a man of simple pleasures. We also gave him daddy’s electric lounge chair…which he used most of the time anyway. We are taking the bed to Cousin Sharon, who is on her last legs…she is also getting the other electric lounge chair we had put in the parlor at the nursing home. My brother and Cousin Dan are going to deliver those things to her this weekend.

The service was beautiful. After weeks of snowing and blowing, the day turned out perfectly clear, and all the snow had melted off the ground. We had the service at the cemetery, which has an incredible view of the mountains daddy loved so much. I’ve never seen the mountains so big…as if they were welcoming him home. There were over 100 people there, including Wolf’s half-sister who came in from Wyoming and people Mike and I went to school with, some I hadn’t seen in decades. It truly was lovely. My best friend Barb played her guitar and sang "Let us Walk in the Light", which is a hauntingly beautiful song and entirely appropriate for the occasion. The service ended with a 21 gun salute, presentation of the flag and taps which nearly brought me to my knees crying, but it was all so beautiful…

I am still going to the nursing home at noon every day. It’s hard, because I expect him to be sitting in the dining room waiting for me, but there are a lot of people that depend on me to cheer them up, feed them and pick things up for them at the store…I can’t let them down. I am not, however, going after work, it’s just too hard because that was when he was wide awake and usually pretty with it and I’m just not ready to go there…so I need to find something to do with my evenings. Last night I spent an hour picking lint off of a sweater while visiting my brother who was making a carrot cake to take to the folks at the nursing home…so at least I’ve got that going for me.

I know I still haven’t answered the questions you asked. I am, doing. Every day is a challenge to get through, mainly because he was such a huge part of my life. Every single day had daddy in it, and I loved it. I try to stay busy; walk a lot, talk on the phone a lot, meditate a lot, and cry a lot.

How am I feeling? Raw, as if every nerve in my body has been exposed. I knew daddy was going to pass on, I just didn’t think it would be this soon. I wanted more time. More hugs, more hand holding, more reminiscing, more rubbing his back, more of everything.

I know they say time will help, and I’m hoping that it will, though it really didn’t with mom, as I still miss her every single day. Right now I feel empty, alone, orphaned at the age of 52. I know that sounds ridiculous because I have a wonderful son, brother, cousins, and friends. But that’s the way it feels.

Saying ta ta to the ta ta's...

I've had neck problems for most of my adult life, but they have worsened considerably in the last 2 years. The doctor said it is because my body has gotten smaller, but the "girls" have not.

I woke up in the morning shortly after my 16th birthday with enormous breasts. I was a tall, thin and lanky and loved to play basketball and shoot pool and these unwanted female accessories did nothing but foul up my free shot and my break. In later life, my son's friends would comment to him that I had "bodacious ta tas". Sigh...

My recent weight loss has put a lot of stress on my neck. Apparently the girls, who haven't shrunk at all in cup size, are too heavy, now, for my significantly smaller frame.

Neck problems, shoulder problems, numb arms and hands and a constant headache finally took me to a doctor who told me she thought the cause of my malaise was my overgrown knockers.

Having long since tired of having the pains and aches they cause, I visited a plastic surgeon who, after a myriad of tests they apparently have to give to a woman of my advanced years, advised a breast reduction.

I am NOT a fan of surgery of any type and the thought that my mammary glands would be whittled upon truly scared the sh*t out of me, but a two month headache finally turned the tide and I decided to go for it.

Tomorrow is the big day. I have had almost 3 weeks to "prepare" myself for the operation...and the closer I get, the more nervous I become. The kid cousins have entertained me with shopping, board games, twister and even poker, and it has been a godsend to have them keeping my mind off of things, but as the time draws nearer, I have to say I'm very anxious.

I just have to keep thinking that by doing this I will be free from the headaches, my shoulder and neck will stop aching all the time and it is even possible that men will notice that "my eyes are up here".

I believe it is a win-win situation, but after having waited this long...a monstrous winter storm has hit the city of Billings, knocking out power lines and causing all kinds of chaos. My hope now is that the weather will stabilize and I will be able to have the surgery in the morning and all will go well.

And I will finally be able to say ta ta to the ta tas.