I just let it flow...

I'm my own boss, so I work from home.  Usually I rock out  with my Emmy kitty on my lap, listening to Pandora Radio on the smart TV.  The surround sound makes it an almost surreal experience. I find I go through a whole range of emotions as the music changes and I know it's because certain songs remind me of the people I love and I have lost.  Today is no exception.  I was giggling and chair dancing while listening to Bonnie Raitt and Bon Jovi (don't judge me), and then Louis Armstrong "What a Wonderful World" came on and, sure enough, my eyes started to leak.  Cousin Dale LOVED jazz and he absolutely adored Louis Armstrong.  It made me miss him more than ever.  It's so hard to believe he has been gone for almost six years.  Do certain songs remind you of people you have loved and lost?  If so, do you avoid listening to them or do you turn them up loud and let the emotion flow?

All is good...

You know how you can save voicemails on your cell phone and they periodically come up for review, then you listen to them again and determine if you want to save or delete?

Well today the voicemail Cousin Dale left when he arrived at the hospital in Denver for his bone marrow transplant in March of 2007 came up for renewal.

This is not an unusual event in and of itself, it does so every 40 days...but that it came due today, on my 52 birthday, when I am convalescing from surgery (I'm so not a good patient), away from my son, my favorite feline, unable to visit my dad and feeling quite sorry for myself, does seem a bit uncanny.

I choose to believe that it is Dale's way of telling me, as he said in his message to me, "all is good".

Thanks, Dale.

The Gift of Life, Revisited...

In honor of my mom, who died 6 years ago today, and Cousin Dale who died June 3 of this year, I donated a double unit of red blood cells today.

In a traditional blood donation, donors give whole blood—which consists of red cells, plasma and platelets. With the automated process called double red cell donation, donors can give just red cells—but two units of red cells—and that’s the component of blood that is in the greatest demand.

I know I've said it before, and I am not one to harp (OK, my son might disagree) but please find out if you are eligible to give blood products and if you are (around 60% of the population IS and of that 60%, only 5% actually donate) please schedule an appointment to donate.

You can give platelets twice a week, up to 24 times per year, plasma 12 times per year, whole blood every 56 days and a double unit of red cells every 120 days. It's painless and only takes a little while. It is estimated that 60 percent of the population will need blood or blood components sometime during their lives. That someone could easily be you or someone you love.

You might even get a t-shirt like this for your efforts!


After my donation, the phlebotomist gave me the standard post-donation lecture. Wear the bandage for four hours (yeah right), no heavy lifting, drink plenty of fluids, make your next meal a big one and no vigorous exercise for 24 hours. What? I didn't remember THAT from before.

Being a stubborn Norwegian, I decided that not all of the rules applied to me and headed off towards home on my beautiful new bicycle. About a quarter of the way there, I was feeling a bit wobbly. About half way home I was light headed. As I approached the street where I live I was bobbing and weaving all over the place. I'm sure glad they didn't arrest me for D.U.I.B.D. (Driving Under the Influence of Blood Donation).


I don't think THAT would look good on my record.

My new best friend

There were several reasons that made me take the 200 mile drive to Billings today.

My cousins were having a bit of trouble and I was able to help them out of their dilemma. If spending those months with Dale taught me anything, it is that the people you love are what matter most in this world. It's a long-standing family tradition to lend a hand to those in need and I was able to do that today and it felt DAMNED GOOD!

Another reason I went to "town" was to pick up kitty litter, cat food and a new stash of cat toys. The poor darlings had lost or damaged all of their cat soccer balls and had resorted to fetching their stuffed toys and I certainly couldn't expect them to keep doing that, now could I? I spent a small fortune replenishing their stock.

I also picked up a couple of toys that resemble carpenter's tape measures with a twist. Instead of the little pull tab on the end, there's a little mouse stuffed with catnip on the end. You can imagine what the little darlings do when it is fully extended and then retracted, can't you? I'll try to get a picture to post later on, right now they are all catnipped out and snoring on the couch, bed and chaise lounge. As a matter of fact, I think one of them is in the bathroom sink (again).

After spending a truly obscene amount of money on others, I did spend a few shekels on myself. After trying on every single pair of dollar store reading glasses, I picked out the pair that made the kid cousins laugh the least.

At the big box store I bought a pair of shorts in a size I haven't been able to wiggle into in years! Like I said before, about 4 or 5 more bouts of the flu and I'll be in perfect shape!

I also bought one more item. After yesterday's marathon bike ride on the fantastic new blue bicycle, my poor Norwegian bum was feeling mighty abused. I might be fluffy, but not a whole lot of that fluff is in the area that makes contact with a bicycle seat.

So please, without further ado, meet my new best friend!

I'm having a missing Dale night...

In memory of a brave and gentle soul.

Artwork and caption by Pam, another brave and gentle soul.

Happy Birthday

Dale's Legacy Guest Book

Down at the Pink Flamingo

As some of you may have noticed, I've not been very "perky" lately. I've tried to keep my chin(s) up and not focus on the negative and for the most part I've managed to keep it together, but my friends and co-workers have been concerned about my sadness. I usually walk around with a big silly smile on my face and I'm nearly always upbeat and happy. I've not been that way in awhile.

Wolf, my son, hasn't been himself either. To be honest, Dale losing his fight to survive took a lot out of both of us. We miss him. We miss knowing he's on this earth...

Over the last several weeks I've asked myself these questions: How long do I mourn someone I've known all of my life? Will I always feel this empty? When does the hole in my heart start to heal? Am I ever going to feel normal again?

I wish I could say that a lightning bolt struck the ground in front of me and I was healed of my sadness, but that is not the case. I'm finding that grief fades slowly, in very small increments. For the most part, since Dale died, I've not found much to smile or laugh about. Wolf confided to me that he hadn't either.

I spent most of Friday getting ready for a big work event. I finished making the signs and the posters and made certain everyone knew where they needed to be and when. One of my final tasks was picking up a large number of balloons at our local pharmacy/gift store.

The store was rather busy and it took awhile for the clerk to fill the balloons with helium. While I waited, I wandered aimlessly around the store, glancing at the items on the shelves without much interest. Until I came upon this...

"Try me! Just press my left wing."

As if in a daze, I reached up and touched the appropriate spot. Immediately the creature's head began to move from side to side and music began to play. Loudly. Very loudly. Everyone in the store turned to look at me as the pink flamingo's head bobbed to the tune of "You are my Sunshine".

At that moment, something happened inside of me. I started to giggle. Then I started to laugh. Not just a polite tee-hee, mind you...but a full blown belly laugh. I have no doubt that the people in the store thought I was nuts. I imagine more than one cell phone came out to dial the psychiatric ward and still I laughed. I guffawed so loudly that I snorted (I know...quite the picture I'm painting here).

After the flamingo finished serenading me, I picked him up and tucked him under my arm. By then the balloons were ready and I checked out, flamingo in one hand, gigantic bouquet of balloons in the other.

I went back to work, packed him up, added a note and sent him off to my son.

On Monday I received a call from him..."Have I ever told you how much of a dork you are?"

I think the healing has begun.

Is it time to build an ark?

There has been a lot of flooding in Montana recently; rivers, creeks, cities (that are by these rivers and creeks) and also flooding of basements.

There is obviously something going on geologically in the Forsyth area, because people that have lived in their homes for over 30 years are reporting water in their basements when they've never had it before. Granted there has been a significant amount of moisture in a relatively short period of time, but not an unprecedented amount. So the question is, what is causing it?

My watershed group (meaning me) has agreed to be the information clearing house for the Montana Bureau of Mines and Geology as they study the basement flooding pattern in Forsyth. The hope is that the cause of the flooding can be determined, and maybe in knowing that, a cure can be devised. Not likely, but an interesting possibility, nonetheless.

There are a few schools of thought on it; the dike along the Yellowstone was raised several years ago, it is possible that the work has diverted water from one of the old riverbeds, of which there are many.

Another possibility is that a seismic event caused a fissure to form which is allowing water from the aquifer that lies underneath the Yellowstone River valley to push up, supersaturating the ground.

Add to that the recent rain event and the high level of the Yellowstone, BIghorn and Tongue Rivers, Rosebud and Armell's Creek and you have sub-irrigation which makes the water table much higher, hence the flooding of anything lower than the current water table.

Another school of thought is that a meteor rocketing through the cosmos caused a rift in the space-time continuum...(ha ha, just checking to see if you were still reading...)

Although I'm not going to bore you with a lot of photos of flooded basements, I am going to bombard you with some of the Stillwater River photos (including the one at the top of this post) that I took yesterday while on adventure with my dad, brother and Shasta the Disasta. As you will note (below), the river is fairly high, but that didn't stop Shasta from demanding that my brother throw sticks into the water for her to fetch.

Nor did it stop him from throwing them. She is the boss, you know.

Happy Shasta...

Very happy Shasta!

The last photo is of a wild rose. This species is very common along the banks of the Stillwater River.

As a final note, I want you all to know that we are doing OK. The memorial was lovely and very well attended by Dale's friends and family. Cathy, at Looking Up, sent a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, and Karen, at Karbon Kounty Moos, brought an ice chest of Dasani water that had, yes, you guessed it, ice crystals in it just as Dale had been craving so many weeks ago.

It was a time of great sadness, but also a time of celebration. Dale was remembered fondly and lovingly. He is gone from this earth, but lives on in our memories. I believe he is at peace.

I'll Be Seeing You

I'LL BE SEEING YOU
(Irving Kahal / Sammy Fain)

Recorded by Jimmy Durante

I'll be seeing you

In all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces

All day through

In that small cafe

The park across the way

The children's carousel

The chestnut trees, the wishing well

I'll be seeing you

In every lovely summers day

In everything that's light and gay

I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the morning sun

And when the night is new

I'll be looking at the moon

But I'll seeing you.

Good night, Mr. Petersen, wherever you are...

Remembering Dale

Please join us as we celebrate the life of Dale William Petersen on Thursday, June 14 at 2 pm.

Michelotti-Sawyers Mortuary
1001 Alderson Avenue
Billings, MT

Smile, by Jimmy Durante

Smile,
Though your heart is achin'
Smile,
Even though it's breakin'
When there are are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile,
And maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shinin' through,
For you...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide, every trace of sadness
Although a tear
may be ever so near

Thats the time, You must keep on tryin'
Smile, whats the use of cryin'
You'll find that lifes is still worth while
If you just smile

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile, and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shinin' through
for you...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near

That's the time
You must keep on tryin'
Smile, whats the use of cryin'
You'll find that life is still worth while
If you just smile

If you... just smile :)

Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone

My plans for the weekend fell through. It's a long and convoluted story, but I ended up spending a significant amount of time by myself for the first time since Dale's passing. I put some jazz on and cleaned the house. It's been awhile and it felt good to rid the carpet and bedding of cat hair and scour the bathroom. The kitchen is sparkling and my drawers are organized (for the most part--though my socks are still mismatched).

After I finished my household chores I put As Time Goes By: The Best of Jimmy Durante into the CD player, set it to repeat and shuffle, and sat down to continue reading Tuesdays with Morrie, a book that Dale had suggested I read several months ago. Since his death it had been recommended to Wolf and I several times and the timing seemed right for me to finish it today.

It was emotionally draining to read, but I'm very glad I did. The lessons in this book are beautiful:

“Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.”

“As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on—in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.”

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”

I think I needed to hear exactly that right now.

"I love you so much too."

Dale

"A healthy body is a guest chamber for the soul: a sick body is a prison."

~ Francis Bacon, Sr.

Dale William Petersen, age 49, died at 2 am, June 3, 2007, of complications of a bone marrow transplant. He was just shy of his 50th birthday, which would have been on June 28th. Throughout his illness, he often told me he just wanted to make it to 50, and through sheer determination and strength of character, he nearly did. The medical staff called him the Energizer Bunny because he just kept going and going.

All of you who've known Dale in real life and through this blog know that he was golden; as good a friend as you'd ever have. I was lucky enough to spend a lot of time with him in the last several months. I know I am a better person because of it. Next to my son, Dale was my favorite person in the universe.

He was a dear friend to so many. Carol, a former co-worker of Dale's, loved him with all her heart and he loved her just as much. She had planned to come visit him last week, but became ill herself and had to postpone the trip for a few days. One of Dale's best friends, Darek, had spent several days with him this past week. Our Cousin Kay spent countless hours in the hospital with him in Billings and made two trips to Denver to see him as well.

I can't tell you how many of Dale's friends called to see how he was doing and/or sent cards or letters. One dear elderly lady even sent him a check for $20.00, which of course he didn't cash. When he was in Billings at the hospital, he had a steady stream of visitors. He said he couldn't believe how many people cared about him. To be honest, I don't think he had any idea how much he was loved until he got sick.

On Thursday, as I was preparing to leave him to come back home for a few weeks to catch up on some work that couldn't be put off, I couldn't stop crying. I told him over and over again that it wasn't because of his condition, it was because I had to leave him for a few weeks. He said he understood. I believe that he did. I also believe that he knew his time on earth was nearing an end.

He kept telling me how much he loved me and of course I responded in kind. I told him he was my best friend and he looked at me with those big beautiful blue eyes of his and told me that I was his. His last words to me were, "I love you so much" to which I responded, "I love you so much too". I really didn't think it would be the last words I'd ever say to him.

Through all of this, through every setback and every bad day, I believed that he would survive. My faith never wavered. My dearest friends told me in many gentle ways to prepare myself for the possibility that he wouldn't survive, but in all honesty, I wouldn't or couldn't let my mind go there for fear that letting any doubt in would be evident in my interactions with Dale. I wanted nothing but positivity surrounding him.

I can't help but wish I had stayed.

My son has updated his blog with a heartfelt post about Dale. During the last several months, Dale and Nels (Wolf) have become extremely close. In fact Dale often told me that if he could have chosen a son, he'd have chosen Nels. The feeling was mutual. Dale had become the father my son had never really had. Wolf is broken hearted over Dale's passing and I'd appreciate it if you'd read the post and leave a comment if you are so inclined.

Thank you all for being there for us.

We love you.

If well wishes were fishes, we'd have a pond full...

Update 6-2-07
"Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever."
~Margaret Cho

They are giving Dale the new anti-rejection drug that has the potential to eradicate the Graft Vs Host disease in his liver. It was started yesterday and according to the doctor's it will take about a week for any noticeable improvement.

According to the nurse that cared for him until 7 am, he had a bit of trouble breathing early this morning so he is on a mask that helps force the oxygen into his lungs. He continues to receive platelets on a regular basis, so of course, I ask again that you go out and donate if you can.

Thank you all for caring.

We love you.

Update 5-31-07

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

~ Helen Keller

Dale and his nurses cannot believe the number of cards, letters, photos and miscellaneous other items he continues to receive. Most days he is presented with at least 2 or 3 cards and some days it's more than that. Even when he's confused, he talks about how fortunate he is and how much he loves getting mail each day. He can't believe that people he's never met care enough to take the time to let him know they are thinking about him.

On Tuesday, it rained buckets here in Denver. The room Dale was in sprung a leak, and he had to be moved to the room next to him. As it always is, it was quite the ordeal to get him situated again. They sent me out for a walk while they were doing it and when I returned to his new room I was delighted to find that the nurse had not only opened the cards he'd received that day, but she had also put them up in his room as you can see in the photo at the top of the page. Thank you Carol!

Included in his mail yesterday was this placard, sent from Pink. She ran in the Race for Life in the United Kingdom and as you can see, she raced for Dale. When I talked to Dale about it, he was so touched that he cried.

Because I went back to Forsyth for 10 days, I haven't been able to keep a complete list of all of the cards, photos and miscellaneous other things that Dale has received. Envelopes were thrown away and I found envelopes that did not have cards in them. Dale has been moved so many times, it is hard to know exactly where everything is, though I did go on a reconnaissance mission to locate missing items when he was moved to ICU. But here is the partial list I have and I want to thank all of you for your kindness and thoughtfulness:

Three Collie, Within Without, Ur-Spo, Jen, Tiger Yogi, Helen (the Felon), Courtney and her get well fishes card (ha ha), Bonita, Squirl, Bill, Cathy, who has sent at least 2 cards and many photographs (frog with attitude was our favorite), Pink, who has sent two cards and her race placard as well, KC, Mary, KGmom, Ginnie, Laura, Pam, who sent along some of her beautiful artwork, Thomas, who sent along a Jimmy Durante CD that Dale adores, Cuppa and AC, anonymous X 3, Nicole and Bobbi, who don't have blogs, yet, and of course Heather who started it all.

As I said, I'm sure that I've missed some of you and I apologize. If you'd like to leave me a message in the comment section, I'll be glad to add your name to the list.

For those of you wishing to send Dale a card, or another card, or a cure for what ails him (I wish), his new address is:

Dale Petersen

St. Luke's Presbyterian Hospital
ICU Room 18
1719 E 19th Ave
Denver, CO 80218

I have to go back to Forsyth tomorrow. As much as I hate to leave Dale in this condition, I have work duties that have to be taken care of. Making the decision to go is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't see any way out of it and it is breaking my heart.

Take good care all of you lovely people. You have touched our hearts and our lives more than you can ever possibly know.

We love you.

Thoughts and prayers appreciated

In his better days...

5-23-07 Update
Just (de)venting here...

The vent tube has been removed and he is doing really well. He's very weak, of course, but talking (!!) and things are going much better for him. People say not to get too excited, that things can change in a moments notice and I'll get my hopes dashed, but I don't care! I'm an optimist and proud to be one.

I will update more later in the day if I get the opportunity, tonight at the latest.

Thank you all, once again, for your thoughts and prayers. I KNOW it has made a huge difference.

We love you all.

5-22-07 Update

It was a heck of a day at sea, Sir.

The doctors removed all of Dale's infusion ports today because they are thought to be the source of his bacterial infection. Other ports were installed and will be put to use tomorrow. Despite their concerns to the contrary, he tolerated the procedure very well and when I left at 7 pm to take his brother to the airport, he was resting comfortably.

In order for the procedure to be performed, it was necessary for the nurse to unhook him from the many machines he was on. She was on a tight timetable in order to get him ready to go to the ER and his wrist would not stop bleeding. I had volunteered to help her earlier, and she finally took me up on it and let me apply pressure to his wrist. For the first time I felt like I was really helping! Don't get me wrong, I know that my being there gives him strength and I'm all about that, but this was something totally different and it felt really REALLY good! But enough about me...

His critical care doctor had told me that the procedure would be difficult for someone in Dale's condition and that there was a chance that he wouldn't make it through. As you can imagine, I was Nervous Nelly, waiting for him to come back to the ICU. I hadn't told Dan what the doctor said because he was already stressed enough and I didn't need 2 patients on my hands, so I'm sure he thought I was a nut-job (even more than usual) when I spent the next 3 hours pacing the hospital.

But, obviously, the outcome was good. Very good!

I took Dan to the airport without getting lost or running anyone off the road (that I know of) and am now back at Wolf's apartment. Stick a fork in me, I'm done (for the night). Tomorrow it's back to the hospital for the day. They are planning on taking him off the ventilator (!!) as he has tolerated the weaning process very well.

Thank you all, once again, for your thoughts and prayers. It means the world to us.

We love you all.

5-21-07 Update, Part II

Today was a tough day. They took all the tubes and the ventilator out for the move to ICU and then had to re-insert them. As you can imagine, that wasn't very fun for Dale. This is all so hard on him, I can't even imagine what he's thinking most of the time.

The room is about the size of a bathroom and there's absolutely nowhere to put any of his things. His photos, the cards, the personal items are all in boxes against the wall. There's no stereo, no anything. They have visiting hours (which I will break, I guarantee it) and there's no room for anyone to be in there with him, unless you stand by his bed. I can't see how that can be conducive to his getting well.

They said that they moved him because he needs such specialized care and they don't have the staff in place on the bone marrow ward to do it right now, but I think that Dale believes it's because he's getting worse. I've told him the reason, but he doesn't seem convinced.

To be honest, I'm very upset that they moved him and I'm sure they are aware of it. I tracked down the social worker in charge of his case and she promised to make sure that the doctor's tell him why he was moved. She also promised that he was at the top of the list to move back into the Bone Marrow Transplant ward once a nurse becomes available and I will hold them to that. I know they are doing the best they can, but I am very afraid that this will set Dale back or worse.

We are going to meet with the Dale's medical team tomorrow to discuss treatment options and also to figure out the medical power of attorney issue. Dan needs to go back to Billings to take care of some of Dale's affairs and would like to meet with the doctor's before that happens. I'll stay with Dale until Dan gets back.

Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts.

Dale, Dan, Wolf and Laurie

5-21-07 Update

Because of a staffing shortage, they are moving Dale to the ICU. None of us, most especially Dale, are happy about it. The room is tiny and we can't be with him as much. He has improved a bit and I hope this doesn't set him back. Thank you all for your kindness and prayers. We love you all.

I'm giving platelets so this will be short. I'll try to post more tonight if I don't fall asleep at the computer again.

Hugs from Dale, Dan, Wolf and I.

5-20 Sunday Update

Dale has an infection that is antibiotic resistant. His critical care doctor said if they can't get a handle on it soon, they are out of options. Please keep Dale in your thoughts and prayers and hug the people you love.

Update 5-19-07

Dale has made small, but important gains today. He has some infection growing in his main lines, but they are watching it closely. His liver counts are slightly improved and his critical care specialist seems really pleased. She says she believes the improvement he is showing is the real deal and I, for one, choose to believe her.

Cousin Dan asked Dale if he felt like he could continue on this way and Dale was very adamant that he DID want to carry on. It was a defining moment in Dan's eyes, though not so much for me because I already knew what his answer would be.

Wolf came to visit and brought some more of Dale's jazz CD's. Dale brightened considerably while he was here. He kept his eyes wide open, answering Wolf's questions with nods and he was even trying to form words.

They have lessened his level of sedation because he is tolerating the ventilator well. They are going to be letting him breathe some on his own today or tomorrow, which according to the nurse, is a very good thing.

I read a few more cards to Dale today and he got tears in his eyes when he heard your messages. I hope you all know how much it means to him. If any of you are considering sending more cards, the address is the same, but the room number is now 3404. I think he will be there for awhile.

Overall, things are slowly improving. Some say not to get too excited or count on too much, but I'm a very positive person so I'm going to continue to be positive.

I thank you again for all the love you've shown us. Keep those thoughts and prayers coming our way.

With love to you all from Denver,

Dale, Wolf, Dan and Laurie

Update 5-18-07

Last evening Dale looked better. He wasn't nearly as "yellow" and he appeared more peaceful. When I told him a funny story about what had happened during the day, he grinned. When his brother told him that his niece Rachel had called, Dale turned his head and opened his eyes. He was unable to speak due to the heavy sedation and tube in his mouth, but he is most definitely aware of what is going on

When we were leaving I touched his arm and told him that he was strong and I knew he could beat this thing. I told him to keep on fighting and he shook his head up and down several times.

It is obvious to me that Dale is not ready to hang up the towel yet. We will keep reading to him and talking to him and playing jazz for him. If there comes a time when he is ready to stop fighting, I know he will tell us, somehow.

Please continue to pray for a miracle.

We love you all.

Update 5-17-07

Dale's blood tests were slightly improved today so we will stay the course and pray for a miracle. He knows we are there and is not in pain. I'm giving platelets now so this will be short. I have a hard enough time typing with both hands. Thank you all for caring and praying and loving.

Another Update 5-16-07

We were called into a family meeting today at the hospital. The meeting was attended by Dale's primary care physician, his primary nurse, social workers and several other people who's names and functions I did not catch. At this meeting we were told that some catastrophic event had caused Dale's systems to start shutting Tuesday morning. His last several liver tests had come back off the charts and not in a good way.

His doctor said that on a scale of 1 to 100, with 1 being healthy and 100 being deceased, Dale was currently at 99.9. His doctor told us that he had a heart attack on Tuesday morning and they had been forced to give him very strong drugs to control it. They would not be able to use those drugs on him again because of his condition. In other words, if he had another heart-related incident, they could not revive him. It was suggested that since Dale had voiced some opinions over quality of life issues, that we allow life support to be withdrawn. We were not ready, or able to make the decision at this time. They told us to take the all time we needed.

After leaving the meeting, shaken and despondent, the doctor came in and said he would like to try one more thing. Dale had already suffered through numerous blood clots, and so he wanted to try a drug that would prevent them from forming, hoping that the clots were causing the strain on the liver. We, of course, agreed to have them try the drug and it was started at 5:30 this evening. They will draw blood at 4 am and we should know more then.

It is really hard to know what to do, since Dale had not put any of his thoughts to paper, despite being asked to. I always thought he hesitated because he thought by writing it out, it would mean it was a possibility and he didn't want to even consider that. He is unable to tell us what he wants now, being sedated and quite confused because of the toxins in his system, so whatever decision is made will fall on Dan, and also on me. I pray that this treatment will work and a miracle will come to pass, but if not I ask for the strength we will need to make the right decision if the time comes.

When I talked to Wolf tonight, he told me of a conversation he had with Dale on Monday night as he was leaving. He said that Dale told him he just wanted to go home. Wolf thought that it meant he wanted to go home when he was well, but now he thinks that maybe Dale knew, as dying people often do, that his time on earth was ending and he was ready to go "home". My mom, Wolf's grandma, said the exact same thing as she lay dying not that long ago.

Anyway, that is the latest news. I will try to keep you all posted.

Thanks for keeping Dale and all of us in your thoughts and prayers.

Update 5-15-07:

I'm in Denver now. Kay couldn't get away and time seemed of the essence so I left around 1 pm and drove straight through. Dale's brother Dan flew in from Billings this afternoon. Wolf was given the day off to spend with Dale who is now on a ventilator and heavily sedated. The purpose of the sedation is to keep him from trying to breath on his own. We will talk to the doctors tomorrow and we should know more then.

Wolf read some of the your newest cards to Dale (kudos everyone, they really are amazing), and even though Dale wasn't able to comment, Wolf believes he was listening. Dale's heart rate was quite erratic for awhile, so Wolf put a jazz CD in the DVD player. The speakers are located right by Dale's head and his heart rate stabilized after the music was turned on. I am so thankful Wolf was here to be with Dale. No one should be alone in that situation.

I'll try to update as often as I can. Your kindness and concern means the world to all of us.


Thank you.

-------------------------

I had wanted to wait to update you on Dale until I had good news, but recent developments dictate that I do so now. On Friday when my son Wolf went in to see Dale, he was in good spirits. They teased the nurses and talked about the future.

Dale showed Wolf the multitude of cards and photos and artwork he had received from you bloggers and discussed what he would write back to each one of you. He showed Wolf each item and Wolf said Dale was fairly beaming with delight. He couldn't believe that people he didn't even know had taken the time to shower him with gifts. He was a very happy man and very thankful.

The plan they devised was to have Wolf bring in his laptop and type out the comments, then Wolf would email them to me for editing and posting on this blog. They agreed that Wolf would come over this afternoon (Tuesday) to work on the project. It would be Dale's first official ghost blogger post.

Wolf showed up at the hospital at the appointed time only to find that Dale's condition had deteriorated drastically and he had been moved to a different room. Dale was disoriented and non-communicative. He would answer questions, but didn't talk otherwise. His eyes were bright yellow. Wolf was beside himself when he realized that the nurses weren't able to give him any real information on Dale's condition because he didn't have the proper privacy authorization.

Wolf called me and I talked to the nurse. She was one that I had gotten to know rather well when I was down there and she finally, despite her reservations, told me what I wanted to know. Then she made arrangements so that Wolf could access Dale's information by calling a number and giving the security code.

The news isn't good. Dale was started on continuous dialysis this morning because he is in acute renal failure. His liver is shutting down and he is having some serious heart problems as well. What is startling to me is that he could go downhill so quickly in a hospital of all places, but according to his nurse, it happens sometimes with Graft Vs Host Disease. She said the situation was dire, but not to give up hope. Wolf will be talking to Dale's primary doctor tomorrow and I hope to have more information for you all then.

My son handled everything with grace and dignity. While I know he had to be shaken beyond belief, he held fast to the belief that this was a temporary setback and that Dale would shake it off and come out of it. Wolf stayed with Dale for several hours and spent the last half hour holding Dale's hand. After he left he went down to the parking lot and called me to reassure me that Dale would make it. I have a wonderful, strong, incredible son and I am so thankful that he is there for Dale.

Kay and I are trying to make arrangements to go down this weekend, if her work schedule permits. We will leave Thursday afternoon, drive straight through and stay until Sunday night or Monday morning and then come back to Montana. Our hope is to raise Dale's spirits and also give Wolf a break. If she is unable to go, I will probably drive by myself.

I know I've asked for your help before and you've given it more than willingly. I'm asking for it again. Please send forth your healing thoughts and prayers today and everyday until Dale is out of danger.

Thank you.

Audience Participation

I’ve hesitated to write this post for several reasons. A few of the people who read my blog are going through extremely hard times right now. Yen, at Two Lucky, is losing the love of his life to a very aggressive type of melanoma. They have given him less than a month to live. It’s been a long, hard fight for these two very dear people and it breaks my heart that their time together on earth is nearly over. Another one of my favorite bloggers, recently lost her father. They were very close and it has been very hard on her. Some people are going through hard times financially, or in their personal lives (or both), and others are making life-changing career choices. It’s not easy for any of these people and my heart goes out to them.

I am usually a very positive person, and I try to keep this blog positive, especially when people I care about are down. I want this blog to be a place where they can come and get a giggle or two or see a photo of something they might not see elsewhere. But there are several people who read this blog specifically to hear how Cousin Dale is doing, so I feel I must update.

My son, Wolf, goes to see Dale several times a week and spends all day Sunday with him. Despite working a full time job and living clear across the city, he spends as much time with Dale as he possibly can. I’d like to think there are a lot of 24 year olds who would show this type of commitment, but I’m not entirely sure there are. Anyway, I digress…

Wolf is one of the most optimistic people I know, and always puts a positive spin on things, but even with that, the news isn’t good. Dale has been struggling physically and emotionally because of complications from his bone marrow transplant. The Graft Vs Host disease is kicking his butt. He has been bed-ridden since right after I left Denver. He cannot eat or drink because the disease has centered in his digestive tract. Taking food or fluids by mouth makes him very ill, although from time to time he does have ice chips. He has constant diarrhea and a rash that covers his entire body. As you can imagine, he is miserable.

He is on too many IV drugs to count; chemo meds to try to control the disease, antibiotics, steroids, some kind of food substance, fluids and who knows what all. They are draining up to 10 pounds of fluid off of him every night. Everything that can be done is being done, but so far nothing is working. He is one very sick puppy. He has, in his weakest moments, considered giving up.

I would like nothing better than to be able to go back to Denver to stay with him while he’s so sick. But this is the busy season at work. There are trainings, workshops outreach and education events planned for the next several months. There are so many things I can’t do when I’m away from the office and my work has suffered. I just can’t go right now. I ache because I can’t do the one thing I really feel I should be doing right now, giving Dale support.

I have wracked my brain (such as it is) trying to figure out a way to help Dale focus on the future. He has been inside the hospital for so long now that I think he has forgotten that there is a world outside of it. His friends call and send cards and gifts and of course Kay and I call as often as we can. There are times when he is too tired or discouraged to talk and those of us that love him are aware of that and understand.

A week or so ago, Butterfly Girl emailed to ask for Dale’s address at the hospital so that she and her daughter could send a home-made card to him. I gave her the address, thinking how happy Dale would be to receive such a kind offering. Then, last night, while trying to sleep, it occurred to me that maybe the blogworld could help Dale regain his will to live, his zest for life, and his desire to fight this thing and win.

So, fellow bloggers, I am asking for audience participation. I know you are all busy with your lives and it is a lot to ask that you take time out of your day to send a card, a letter, or a funny or uplifting photo to a man you don’t even know, but this simple act on your part might give him the boost he needs to continue to fight. And that, my friends, is what he needs.

Dale Petersen
Room 3408
Presbyterian St. Luke's Hospital
1719 E 19th Ave
Denver, CO 80218

Tell Me Your Favorite...

I have returned home. Kay had a family emergency so we drove through the night to get her back to Billings. I dropped her off and continued on to Forsyth. I arrived here, safe and sound physically (mentally...not so much), early this morning.

Dale was so sweet when we left. He tried very hard to be upbeat and positive. He thanked us over and over again for being there for him and reassured us that he would be fine. It was all an act and I imagine it took every ounce of strength he had. Leaving there was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Since I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, I have stolen borrowed this post concept from Ur-Spo.

The idea is for you to leave a comment linking me to your favorite blog entry of all time. It must be one that you have authored.

Also, please tell me why it is your favorite entry.

There will be an contest to determine the winner of the best blog post. The grand prize winner will be given his or her choice of (the usual) all-expense paid trip to Eastern Montana or a bottle of Annie Green Springs Wine, retail price $2.49.

Gentlemen and ladies, start your keyboards.

Thank you in advance for humoring me.

Of Water Coolers and Umbrella Drinks

When Kay and I got to Wolf’s apartment last night, she was very tired. So tired, in fact that she turned on the TV and promptly fell to sleep, gripping the remote. It was fine for the first hour. I enjoy the TV show “Frasier” and even though I’d seen the episodes before, I didn’t mind watching them again. However, when “The Golden Girls” came on, it was time to change the channel. Kay was still asleep so I tried to slide the remote out of her hand. Not happening. I tried again, a little more forcefully. She had the remote in a grip of steel. So not happening. She finally woke up a couple of hours later and turned the TV off and we both went to sleep.

Kay and I spent most of today with Dale. He wasn’t as uncomfortable as he has been, mainly because of the Versaid they gave him while they did the bone marrow biopsy, but I can honestly tell you he’s seen better days. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

This has been a difficult week for Dale. On Monday he had a colonoscopy, on Wednesday he had a spinal tap and then today he had the biopsy. When I suggested he take the weekend off, he agreed and said he was going to tell the doctors that his dance card was full.

Kay and I did our best to entertain Dale, and for the most part we succeeded. We talked about growing up and all of the fun we had when they would come to Absarokee on the weekends and in the summer. We talked about catching (and releasing) water skippers, and tubing the rapids of Sheep Creek (if you can call 4 inches of quickly moving water rapids, that is).

Even though he is not allowed to have food or water right now, he talked about my mom’s cooking for hours. He went on and on about her homemade milkshakes, the juiciest cheeseburgers in the universe and platters of tater tots. He kept making a fizzing sound, telling us he was craving a Coke, with LARGE ice cubes. But eventually he came back to the one thing that he truly wanted; an ice cold glass of water.

Over and over he said that he was going to buy a water cooler, the kind that you put a 5 gallon jug on top of. He was going to set it up right next to his lounge chair at home and have ice cold water within reach day and night. It was good to hear him focusing on the future.

The drugs were making him kind of “la-la” and he napped in between discussions, but it was a good day all-in-all.

I gave platelets this morning and it might have made me a bit loopy. I looked over at Cousin Kay and she was fiddling with her shoelaces. They were strange looking, to be sure and I couldn’t stop staring. She told me that they were special laces that didn’t have to be tied. For some reason the sight of them and the thought of them cracked me up and I started to giggle hysterically. I couldn’t stop. I laughed until I snorted (yeah, I know…what an attractive visual) several times, and by the end of it all the cousins were ready to schedule a psych evaluation for me.

I talked them out of sending me to a nut house and into going to the Islands. We made a pact. Once this is all over, when he is healthy and well again, we are going to take a cruise to Mexico. When we get there, we are going to sit by the beach, Dale and Kay on chairs in the shade, and me on a towel in the sun.

We’ll be sipping umbrella drinks.