My new best friend

There were several reasons that made me take the 200 mile drive to Billings today.

My cousins were having a bit of trouble and I was able to help them out of their dilemma. If spending those months with Dale taught me anything, it is that the people you love are what matter most in this world. It's a long-standing family tradition to lend a hand to those in need and I was able to do that today and it felt DAMNED GOOD!

Another reason I went to "town" was to pick up kitty litter, cat food and a new stash of cat toys. The poor darlings had lost or damaged all of their cat soccer balls and had resorted to fetching their stuffed toys and I certainly couldn't expect them to keep doing that, now could I? I spent a small fortune replenishing their stock.

I also picked up a couple of toys that resemble carpenter's tape measures with a twist. Instead of the little pull tab on the end, there's a little mouse stuffed with catnip on the end. You can imagine what the little darlings do when it is fully extended and then retracted, can't you? I'll try to get a picture to post later on, right now they are all catnipped out and snoring on the couch, bed and chaise lounge. As a matter of fact, I think one of them is in the bathroom sink (again).

After spending a truly obscene amount of money on others, I did spend a few shekels on myself. After trying on every single pair of dollar store reading glasses, I picked out the pair that made the kid cousins laugh the least.

At the big box store I bought a pair of shorts in a size I haven't been able to wiggle into in years! Like I said before, about 4 or 5 more bouts of the flu and I'll be in perfect shape!

I also bought one more item. After yesterday's marathon bike ride on the fantastic new blue bicycle, my poor Norwegian bum was feeling mighty abused. I might be fluffy, but not a whole lot of that fluff is in the area that makes contact with a bicycle seat.

So please, without further ado, meet my new best friend!

I'm having a missing Dale night...

In memory of a brave and gentle soul.

Artwork and caption by Pam, another brave and gentle soul.

Happy Birthday

Dale's Legacy Guest Book

I'll Be Seeing You

I'LL BE SEEING YOU
(Irving Kahal / Sammy Fain)

Recorded by Jimmy Durante

I'll be seeing you

In all the old familiar places

That this heart of mine embraces

All day through

In that small cafe

The park across the way

The children's carousel

The chestnut trees, the wishing well

I'll be seeing you

In every lovely summers day

In everything that's light and gay

I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the morning sun

And when the night is new

I'll be looking at the moon

But I'll seeing you.

Good night, Mr. Petersen, wherever you are...

"I love you so much too."

Dale

"A healthy body is a guest chamber for the soul: a sick body is a prison."

~ Francis Bacon, Sr.

Dale William Petersen, age 49, died at 2 am, June 3, 2007, of complications of a bone marrow transplant. He was just shy of his 50th birthday, which would have been on June 28th. Throughout his illness, he often told me he just wanted to make it to 50, and through sheer determination and strength of character, he nearly did. The medical staff called him the Energizer Bunny because he just kept going and going.

All of you who've known Dale in real life and through this blog know that he was golden; as good a friend as you'd ever have. I was lucky enough to spend a lot of time with him in the last several months. I know I am a better person because of it. Next to my son, Dale was my favorite person in the universe.

He was a dear friend to so many. Carol, a former co-worker of Dale's, loved him with all her heart and he loved her just as much. She had planned to come visit him last week, but became ill herself and had to postpone the trip for a few days. One of Dale's best friends, Darek, had spent several days with him this past week. Our Cousin Kay spent countless hours in the hospital with him in Billings and made two trips to Denver to see him as well.

I can't tell you how many of Dale's friends called to see how he was doing and/or sent cards or letters. One dear elderly lady even sent him a check for $20.00, which of course he didn't cash. When he was in Billings at the hospital, he had a steady stream of visitors. He said he couldn't believe how many people cared about him. To be honest, I don't think he had any idea how much he was loved until he got sick.

On Thursday, as I was preparing to leave him to come back home for a few weeks to catch up on some work that couldn't be put off, I couldn't stop crying. I told him over and over again that it wasn't because of his condition, it was because I had to leave him for a few weeks. He said he understood. I believe that he did. I also believe that he knew his time on earth was nearing an end.

He kept telling me how much he loved me and of course I responded in kind. I told him he was my best friend and he looked at me with those big beautiful blue eyes of his and told me that I was his. His last words to me were, "I love you so much" to which I responded, "I love you so much too". I really didn't think it would be the last words I'd ever say to him.

Through all of this, through every setback and every bad day, I believed that he would survive. My faith never wavered. My dearest friends told me in many gentle ways to prepare myself for the possibility that he wouldn't survive, but in all honesty, I wouldn't or couldn't let my mind go there for fear that letting any doubt in would be evident in my interactions with Dale. I wanted nothing but positivity surrounding him.

I can't help but wish I had stayed.

My son has updated his blog with a heartfelt post about Dale. During the last several months, Dale and Nels (Wolf) have become extremely close. In fact Dale often told me that if he could have chosen a son, he'd have chosen Nels. The feeling was mutual. Dale had become the father my son had never really had. Wolf is broken hearted over Dale's passing and I'd appreciate it if you'd read the post and leave a comment if you are so inclined.

Thank you all for being there for us.

We love you.

If well wishes were fishes, we'd have a pond full...

Update 6-2-07
"Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever."
~Margaret Cho

They are giving Dale the new anti-rejection drug that has the potential to eradicate the Graft Vs Host disease in his liver. It was started yesterday and according to the doctor's it will take about a week for any noticeable improvement.

According to the nurse that cared for him until 7 am, he had a bit of trouble breathing early this morning so he is on a mask that helps force the oxygen into his lungs. He continues to receive platelets on a regular basis, so of course, I ask again that you go out and donate if you can.

Thank you all for caring.

We love you.

Update 5-31-07

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

~ Helen Keller

Dale and his nurses cannot believe the number of cards, letters, photos and miscellaneous other items he continues to receive. Most days he is presented with at least 2 or 3 cards and some days it's more than that. Even when he's confused, he talks about how fortunate he is and how much he loves getting mail each day. He can't believe that people he's never met care enough to take the time to let him know they are thinking about him.

On Tuesday, it rained buckets here in Denver. The room Dale was in sprung a leak, and he had to be moved to the room next to him. As it always is, it was quite the ordeal to get him situated again. They sent me out for a walk while they were doing it and when I returned to his new room I was delighted to find that the nurse had not only opened the cards he'd received that day, but she had also put them up in his room as you can see in the photo at the top of the page. Thank you Carol!

Included in his mail yesterday was this placard, sent from Pink. She ran in the Race for Life in the United Kingdom and as you can see, she raced for Dale. When I talked to Dale about it, he was so touched that he cried.

Because I went back to Forsyth for 10 days, I haven't been able to keep a complete list of all of the cards, photos and miscellaneous other things that Dale has received. Envelopes were thrown away and I found envelopes that did not have cards in them. Dale has been moved so many times, it is hard to know exactly where everything is, though I did go on a reconnaissance mission to locate missing items when he was moved to ICU. But here is the partial list I have and I want to thank all of you for your kindness and thoughtfulness:

Three Collie, Within Without, Ur-Spo, Jen, Tiger Yogi, Helen (the Felon), Courtney and her get well fishes card (ha ha), Bonita, Squirl, Bill, Cathy, who has sent at least 2 cards and many photographs (frog with attitude was our favorite), Pink, who has sent two cards and her race placard as well, KC, Mary, KGmom, Ginnie, Laura, Pam, who sent along some of her beautiful artwork, Thomas, who sent along a Jimmy Durante CD that Dale adores, Cuppa and AC, anonymous X 3, Nicole and Bobbi, who don't have blogs, yet, and of course Heather who started it all.

As I said, I'm sure that I've missed some of you and I apologize. If you'd like to leave me a message in the comment section, I'll be glad to add your name to the list.

For those of you wishing to send Dale a card, or another card, or a cure for what ails him (I wish), his new address is:

Dale Petersen

St. Luke's Presbyterian Hospital
ICU Room 18
1719 E 19th Ave
Denver, CO 80218

I have to go back to Forsyth tomorrow. As much as I hate to leave Dale in this condition, I have work duties that have to be taken care of. Making the decision to go is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't see any way out of it and it is breaking my heart.

Take good care all of you lovely people. You have touched our hearts and our lives more than you can ever possibly know.

We love you.

Thoughts and prayers appreciated

In his better days...

5-23-07 Update
Just (de)venting here...

The vent tube has been removed and he is doing really well. He's very weak, of course, but talking (!!) and things are going much better for him. People say not to get too excited, that things can change in a moments notice and I'll get my hopes dashed, but I don't care! I'm an optimist and proud to be one.

I will update more later in the day if I get the opportunity, tonight at the latest.

Thank you all, once again, for your thoughts and prayers. I KNOW it has made a huge difference.

We love you all.

5-22-07 Update

It was a heck of a day at sea, Sir.

The doctors removed all of Dale's infusion ports today because they are thought to be the source of his bacterial infection. Other ports were installed and will be put to use tomorrow. Despite their concerns to the contrary, he tolerated the procedure very well and when I left at 7 pm to take his brother to the airport, he was resting comfortably.

In order for the procedure to be performed, it was necessary for the nurse to unhook him from the many machines he was on. She was on a tight timetable in order to get him ready to go to the ER and his wrist would not stop bleeding. I had volunteered to help her earlier, and she finally took me up on it and let me apply pressure to his wrist. For the first time I felt like I was really helping! Don't get me wrong, I know that my being there gives him strength and I'm all about that, but this was something totally different and it felt really REALLY good! But enough about me...

His critical care doctor had told me that the procedure would be difficult for someone in Dale's condition and that there was a chance that he wouldn't make it through. As you can imagine, I was Nervous Nelly, waiting for him to come back to the ICU. I hadn't told Dan what the doctor said because he was already stressed enough and I didn't need 2 patients on my hands, so I'm sure he thought I was a nut-job (even more than usual) when I spent the next 3 hours pacing the hospital.

But, obviously, the outcome was good. Very good!

I took Dan to the airport without getting lost or running anyone off the road (that I know of) and am now back at Wolf's apartment. Stick a fork in me, I'm done (for the night). Tomorrow it's back to the hospital for the day. They are planning on taking him off the ventilator (!!) as he has tolerated the weaning process very well.

Thank you all, once again, for your thoughts and prayers. It means the world to us.

We love you all.

5-21-07 Update, Part II

Today was a tough day. They took all the tubes and the ventilator out for the move to ICU and then had to re-insert them. As you can imagine, that wasn't very fun for Dale. This is all so hard on him, I can't even imagine what he's thinking most of the time.

The room is about the size of a bathroom and there's absolutely nowhere to put any of his things. His photos, the cards, the personal items are all in boxes against the wall. There's no stereo, no anything. They have visiting hours (which I will break, I guarantee it) and there's no room for anyone to be in there with him, unless you stand by his bed. I can't see how that can be conducive to his getting well.

They said that they moved him because he needs such specialized care and they don't have the staff in place on the bone marrow ward to do it right now, but I think that Dale believes it's because he's getting worse. I've told him the reason, but he doesn't seem convinced.

To be honest, I'm very upset that they moved him and I'm sure they are aware of it. I tracked down the social worker in charge of his case and she promised to make sure that the doctor's tell him why he was moved. She also promised that he was at the top of the list to move back into the Bone Marrow Transplant ward once a nurse becomes available and I will hold them to that. I know they are doing the best they can, but I am very afraid that this will set Dale back or worse.

We are going to meet with the Dale's medical team tomorrow to discuss treatment options and also to figure out the medical power of attorney issue. Dan needs to go back to Billings to take care of some of Dale's affairs and would like to meet with the doctor's before that happens. I'll stay with Dale until Dan gets back.

Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts.

Dale, Dan, Wolf and Laurie

5-21-07 Update

Because of a staffing shortage, they are moving Dale to the ICU. None of us, most especially Dale, are happy about it. The room is tiny and we can't be with him as much. He has improved a bit and I hope this doesn't set him back. Thank you all for your kindness and prayers. We love you all.

I'm giving platelets so this will be short. I'll try to post more tonight if I don't fall asleep at the computer again.

Hugs from Dale, Dan, Wolf and I.

5-20 Sunday Update

Dale has an infection that is antibiotic resistant. His critical care doctor said if they can't get a handle on it soon, they are out of options. Please keep Dale in your thoughts and prayers and hug the people you love.

Update 5-19-07

Dale has made small, but important gains today. He has some infection growing in his main lines, but they are watching it closely. His liver counts are slightly improved and his critical care specialist seems really pleased. She says she believes the improvement he is showing is the real deal and I, for one, choose to believe her.

Cousin Dan asked Dale if he felt like he could continue on this way and Dale was very adamant that he DID want to carry on. It was a defining moment in Dan's eyes, though not so much for me because I already knew what his answer would be.

Wolf came to visit and brought some more of Dale's jazz CD's. Dale brightened considerably while he was here. He kept his eyes wide open, answering Wolf's questions with nods and he was even trying to form words.

They have lessened his level of sedation because he is tolerating the ventilator well. They are going to be letting him breathe some on his own today or tomorrow, which according to the nurse, is a very good thing.

I read a few more cards to Dale today and he got tears in his eyes when he heard your messages. I hope you all know how much it means to him. If any of you are considering sending more cards, the address is the same, but the room number is now 3404. I think he will be there for awhile.

Overall, things are slowly improving. Some say not to get too excited or count on too much, but I'm a very positive person so I'm going to continue to be positive.

I thank you again for all the love you've shown us. Keep those thoughts and prayers coming our way.

With love to you all from Denver,

Dale, Wolf, Dan and Laurie

Update 5-18-07

Last evening Dale looked better. He wasn't nearly as "yellow" and he appeared more peaceful. When I told him a funny story about what had happened during the day, he grinned. When his brother told him that his niece Rachel had called, Dale turned his head and opened his eyes. He was unable to speak due to the heavy sedation and tube in his mouth, but he is most definitely aware of what is going on

When we were leaving I touched his arm and told him that he was strong and I knew he could beat this thing. I told him to keep on fighting and he shook his head up and down several times.

It is obvious to me that Dale is not ready to hang up the towel yet. We will keep reading to him and talking to him and playing jazz for him. If there comes a time when he is ready to stop fighting, I know he will tell us, somehow.

Please continue to pray for a miracle.

We love you all.

Update 5-17-07

Dale's blood tests were slightly improved today so we will stay the course and pray for a miracle. He knows we are there and is not in pain. I'm giving platelets now so this will be short. I have a hard enough time typing with both hands. Thank you all for caring and praying and loving.

Another Update 5-16-07

We were called into a family meeting today at the hospital. The meeting was attended by Dale's primary care physician, his primary nurse, social workers and several other people who's names and functions I did not catch. At this meeting we were told that some catastrophic event had caused Dale's systems to start shutting Tuesday morning. His last several liver tests had come back off the charts and not in a good way.

His doctor said that on a scale of 1 to 100, with 1 being healthy and 100 being deceased, Dale was currently at 99.9. His doctor told us that he had a heart attack on Tuesday morning and they had been forced to give him very strong drugs to control it. They would not be able to use those drugs on him again because of his condition. In other words, if he had another heart-related incident, they could not revive him. It was suggested that since Dale had voiced some opinions over quality of life issues, that we allow life support to be withdrawn. We were not ready, or able to make the decision at this time. They told us to take the all time we needed.

After leaving the meeting, shaken and despondent, the doctor came in and said he would like to try one more thing. Dale had already suffered through numerous blood clots, and so he wanted to try a drug that would prevent them from forming, hoping that the clots were causing the strain on the liver. We, of course, agreed to have them try the drug and it was started at 5:30 this evening. They will draw blood at 4 am and we should know more then.

It is really hard to know what to do, since Dale had not put any of his thoughts to paper, despite being asked to. I always thought he hesitated because he thought by writing it out, it would mean it was a possibility and he didn't want to even consider that. He is unable to tell us what he wants now, being sedated and quite confused because of the toxins in his system, so whatever decision is made will fall on Dan, and also on me. I pray that this treatment will work and a miracle will come to pass, but if not I ask for the strength we will need to make the right decision if the time comes.

When I talked to Wolf tonight, he told me of a conversation he had with Dale on Monday night as he was leaving. He said that Dale told him he just wanted to go home. Wolf thought that it meant he wanted to go home when he was well, but now he thinks that maybe Dale knew, as dying people often do, that his time on earth was ending and he was ready to go "home". My mom, Wolf's grandma, said the exact same thing as she lay dying not that long ago.

Anyway, that is the latest news. I will try to keep you all posted.

Thanks for keeping Dale and all of us in your thoughts and prayers.

Update 5-15-07:

I'm in Denver now. Kay couldn't get away and time seemed of the essence so I left around 1 pm and drove straight through. Dale's brother Dan flew in from Billings this afternoon. Wolf was given the day off to spend with Dale who is now on a ventilator and heavily sedated. The purpose of the sedation is to keep him from trying to breath on his own. We will talk to the doctors tomorrow and we should know more then.

Wolf read some of the your newest cards to Dale (kudos everyone, they really are amazing), and even though Dale wasn't able to comment, Wolf believes he was listening. Dale's heart rate was quite erratic for awhile, so Wolf put a jazz CD in the DVD player. The speakers are located right by Dale's head and his heart rate stabilized after the music was turned on. I am so thankful Wolf was here to be with Dale. No one should be alone in that situation.

I'll try to update as often as I can. Your kindness and concern means the world to all of us.


Thank you.

-------------------------

I had wanted to wait to update you on Dale until I had good news, but recent developments dictate that I do so now. On Friday when my son Wolf went in to see Dale, he was in good spirits. They teased the nurses and talked about the future.

Dale showed Wolf the multitude of cards and photos and artwork he had received from you bloggers and discussed what he would write back to each one of you. He showed Wolf each item and Wolf said Dale was fairly beaming with delight. He couldn't believe that people he didn't even know had taken the time to shower him with gifts. He was a very happy man and very thankful.

The plan they devised was to have Wolf bring in his laptop and type out the comments, then Wolf would email them to me for editing and posting on this blog. They agreed that Wolf would come over this afternoon (Tuesday) to work on the project. It would be Dale's first official ghost blogger post.

Wolf showed up at the hospital at the appointed time only to find that Dale's condition had deteriorated drastically and he had been moved to a different room. Dale was disoriented and non-communicative. He would answer questions, but didn't talk otherwise. His eyes were bright yellow. Wolf was beside himself when he realized that the nurses weren't able to give him any real information on Dale's condition because he didn't have the proper privacy authorization.

Wolf called me and I talked to the nurse. She was one that I had gotten to know rather well when I was down there and she finally, despite her reservations, told me what I wanted to know. Then she made arrangements so that Wolf could access Dale's information by calling a number and giving the security code.

The news isn't good. Dale was started on continuous dialysis this morning because he is in acute renal failure. His liver is shutting down and he is having some serious heart problems as well. What is startling to me is that he could go downhill so quickly in a hospital of all places, but according to his nurse, it happens sometimes with Graft Vs Host Disease. She said the situation was dire, but not to give up hope. Wolf will be talking to Dale's primary doctor tomorrow and I hope to have more information for you all then.

My son handled everything with grace and dignity. While I know he had to be shaken beyond belief, he held fast to the belief that this was a temporary setback and that Dale would shake it off and come out of it. Wolf stayed with Dale for several hours and spent the last half hour holding Dale's hand. After he left he went down to the parking lot and called me to reassure me that Dale would make it. I have a wonderful, strong, incredible son and I am so thankful that he is there for Dale.

Kay and I are trying to make arrangements to go down this weekend, if her work schedule permits. We will leave Thursday afternoon, drive straight through and stay until Sunday night or Monday morning and then come back to Montana. Our hope is to raise Dale's spirits and also give Wolf a break. If she is unable to go, I will probably drive by myself.

I know I've asked for your help before and you've given it more than willingly. I'm asking for it again. Please send forth your healing thoughts and prayers today and everyday until Dale is out of danger.

Thank you.

Gone Fishing

Tomorrow I am going to Billings to attend Cousin Dale's father's funeral service. I am attending out of respect for Dale, who is most certainly not well enough to go himself. Dale is having serious complications as a result of the bone marrow transplant. In essence, the Graft VS Host Disease is kicking his butt. My dear son, Wolf, has been visiting him in the hospital as often as possible. It's a real drain on Wolf, but he swears that it is what he wants to do. He is such a good, kind, caring person.

After the service, I am going to Absarokee for the weekend. I intend to vegetate as much as possible, although knowing me, I will want to do a lot of cooking and some cleaning while I'm there. I shouldn't take the extra day off of work, but to be honest, I need a vacation from my vacation.

I plan to take a lot of photos, walk the dog excessively, take long drives with Dad and Mike and do a lot of doting. I will, most likely, invite Uncle John and Neighbor Lois over for a big meal and send them home lots of left-overs. I know it will be a wonderful weekend.

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, too. Please remember to hug the ones you love and take lots of pictures. Life is short, live it to the fullest.

Of Water Coolers and Umbrella Drinks

When Kay and I got to Wolf’s apartment last night, she was very tired. So tired, in fact that she turned on the TV and promptly fell to sleep, gripping the remote. It was fine for the first hour. I enjoy the TV show “Frasier” and even though I’d seen the episodes before, I didn’t mind watching them again. However, when “The Golden Girls” came on, it was time to change the channel. Kay was still asleep so I tried to slide the remote out of her hand. Not happening. I tried again, a little more forcefully. She had the remote in a grip of steel. So not happening. She finally woke up a couple of hours later and turned the TV off and we both went to sleep.

Kay and I spent most of today with Dale. He wasn’t as uncomfortable as he has been, mainly because of the Versaid they gave him while they did the bone marrow biopsy, but I can honestly tell you he’s seen better days. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

This has been a difficult week for Dale. On Monday he had a colonoscopy, on Wednesday he had a spinal tap and then today he had the biopsy. When I suggested he take the weekend off, he agreed and said he was going to tell the doctors that his dance card was full.

Kay and I did our best to entertain Dale, and for the most part we succeeded. We talked about growing up and all of the fun we had when they would come to Absarokee on the weekends and in the summer. We talked about catching (and releasing) water skippers, and tubing the rapids of Sheep Creek (if you can call 4 inches of quickly moving water rapids, that is).

Even though he is not allowed to have food or water right now, he talked about my mom’s cooking for hours. He went on and on about her homemade milkshakes, the juiciest cheeseburgers in the universe and platters of tater tots. He kept making a fizzing sound, telling us he was craving a Coke, with LARGE ice cubes. But eventually he came back to the one thing that he truly wanted; an ice cold glass of water.

Over and over he said that he was going to buy a water cooler, the kind that you put a 5 gallon jug on top of. He was going to set it up right next to his lounge chair at home and have ice cold water within reach day and night. It was good to hear him focusing on the future.

The drugs were making him kind of “la-la” and he napped in between discussions, but it was a good day all-in-all.

I gave platelets this morning and it might have made me a bit loopy. I looked over at Cousin Kay and she was fiddling with her shoelaces. They were strange looking, to be sure and I couldn’t stop staring. She told me that they were special laces that didn’t have to be tied. For some reason the sight of them and the thought of them cracked me up and I started to giggle hysterically. I couldn’t stop. I laughed until I snorted (yeah, I know…what an attractive visual) several times, and by the end of it all the cousins were ready to schedule a psych evaluation for me.

I talked them out of sending me to a nut house and into going to the Islands. We made a pact. Once this is all over, when he is healthy and well again, we are going to take a cruise to Mexico. When we get there, we are going to sit by the beach, Dale and Kay on chairs in the shade, and me on a towel in the sun.

We’ll be sipping umbrella drinks.

How Are You Holding Up, Kiddo?

My wonderful, fantastic, incredible brother Mike has done a wonderful, fantastic, incredible thing. He has purchased a plane ticket so that my beautiful, talented, amazing Cousin Kay can fly to Denver tomorrow, spend the weekend and drive back to Montana with me on Sunday.

Why did he do this amazing thing? Well aside from the fact that he is the Very Best Brother in the Universe, he is also a very astute and kind man. He sensed that I was getting a bit tired and a bit overwhelmed and he also realized that even though I have to go back to work on Monday, I am hesitant about doing so because I don't want to leave Dale. He knows that having Kay here will make things easier for me and more importantly for Dale, and that she will be able to help me make the transition.

Am I not the luckiest woman in the universe?

The Dale Update:

Dale is handling the setback as he handles everything. With humor and strength. Even though he is in pain and is now on insulin, he remains kind and appreciative of everything that is done to and for him. He continues to be a great inspiration to all of us that are lucky enough to be around him.

Last night, between bathroom trips, Dale dozed off for a little while. I must have done the same and when I woke up he was looking over at me from his bed. "How are you holding up, Kiddo?" he said to me, reaching over to pat my arm. "Fine, Dale, just fine," I answered, with tears in my eyes.

I am going to hate to leave this man.

The Wish

The word is in on Dale. It is Graft VS Host Disease and it is in his digestive tract. It is a relatively severe case and they are treating it aggressively. I am not sure what all that entails, but I do know he will be in the hospital for several weeks at the minimum.

At this point, he is unable to eat or drink; they are giving him all of that intravenously. Last night, while we were talking on the phone he said his fantasy is to drink ice cold water, but he can't, it tears up his gut too badly to even contemplate. He said when he gets out of the hospital, he is going to buy some Dasani water and put one in the freezer until it gets ice crystals in it and then drink it all in one gulp.

What struck me about his wish is its simplicity. Dale has been sick since August of 2006. Most of that time he hasn't had the strength to do any of the things he loves; tinker with his 38 Chevy Coupe, work with wood, listen to jazz...all of his favorite pursuits were out of his grasp because he was too sick and had too little energy.

He didn't have much of an appetite during that time, except for the few days’ right before the transplant, yet his fondest wish is to drink a bottle of iced Dasani water. No juicy T-Bone for Dale. No shrimp or lobster for Dale. No tacos or enchilada...all he wants is a bottle of Dasani with ice crystals in it. I suppose his wish is born of thirst, the kind of thirst I can only imagine, but still, the simplicity of it boggles my mind.

How typical of Dale. His wants and needs have always been basic. He lives well within his means and doesn't ask for much from the people around him or the world in general.

As we ended our phone conversation, Dale, obviously hearing the sadness that I had tried so desperately to hide from him, said "It could have been worse, Laurie, at least they didn't find any more cancer".

Just in for Some Fine Tuning...

As I mentioned in my last post, Dale is back in the hospital. He is having some fairly significant discomfort, and has been a bit down, but he wants you all to know that this is just a temporary setback. The medical staff at St. Luke's is taking excellent care of him and he is certain that he will overcome this obstacle. He said to tell you all that he's just in for some fine tuning.

In an effort to find the cause of his symptoms, the staff has tested him for Cytomegalovirus, or CMV, which is a common virus that infects most people worldwide. CMV infection is usually harmless and rarely causes illness and a healthy immune system can hold the virus in check. However, if a person's immune system is seriously weakened in any way, the virus can become active and cause CMV disease, which can be quite serious. We don't have the results of the test back yet, but I will update you all when I do.

Another possible consideration is that the symptoms may be from Graft vs. Host Disease (GVHD) which is a frequent complication of allogeneic bone marrow transplant in which the engrafted donor cells attacks the patient's organs and tissue. GVHD tends to be more severe in patients receiving mismatched transplants from family member or unrelated donors, which is the case with Dale.

I'm sure there are other potential causes for his discomfort, but these are the front-runners at the moment. In an effort to determine what is causing Dale's symptoms, they performed a colonoscopy this morning. They took several samples to biopsy and we should have the results of those in the near future.

I also wanted to mention that Dale's father passed away on Saturday. His father wasn't a nice man and they weren't at all close, but I think on top of everything else, it will be hard on Dale once it sinks in.

Dale has been overwhelmed by the love and support he has received from his friends and family and the people who read this blog. Your phone calls and cards have meant the world to him and I have printed off your blog comments nearly every day. They are a great source of enjoyment and comfort and he reads them all, laughing at some, tearing up over others. He appreciates it more than he can say, as do I.

So folks, please keep those calls, cards and comments comin'...you really are making a difference!

Celebrate Until Further Notice

Because of your wonderful comments, the title to this post has been modified. Thanks everyone!

**This photo was taken with my cell phone/navigator gps thingy; I apologize for the quality.

Today was a very big day.

Early this morning, X-Rays confirmed that the last 4 weeks of intensive treatment have done no damage what-so-ever to Dale’s lungs or heart. Both are functioning at 100% capacity.

After going over his test results and examining the X-Rays, Dale’s primary care doctor moved him out of the transplant ward and into the oncology ward. This means that Dale is no longer at extreme risk for complications caused by infection or rejection.

At around 2 pm this afternoon, the last IV line was removed from the port in his chest. For the first time in a very long time, Dale could walk without having to drag around the infusion pump stand that he had been attached to for weeks on end. He was free to move about the building. The doctor also told Dale that he may be able to move to the extended care facility as soon as Wednesday, which is considerably sooner than expected.

To top it all off, Dale was able to eat an entire can of Hormel Beef Tamales! He is finally getting his appetite back!

As you can imagine, we were extremely pleased by all that transpired today. It seems everything is falling in to place for Dale. He is in excellent spirits and very thankful, not only for the improvements in his physical condition, but also for the incredible outpouring of love and support he has gotten from his friends, family and the readers of this blog.

In the words of Dale’s nurse (who was quoting her elderly grandmother), “celebrate until further notice”.

Four Little Words

It has been 2 weeks since Dale's transplant. There have been some dark days, I won't lie to you. There were days when he felt like he was ironed to the sheets. But there have been some good times as well.

Like the day they were changing over to new chemo pumps. There were several nurses in the room and a very serious sales rep who was giving a short course in the use of the new machines. The spiel and training session took quite some time, but finally they opened the line to let the fluid enter his body. At that very moment, Dale clutched his chest and GASPED, then said, "Just kidding".

The look on their faces went from abject horror to disbelieve and I honestly think the sales rep saw her life flash before her eyes. I started to laugh and the nurses followed suit. The sales rep, on the other hand, was not at all amused and left the room. I think she went to change her underwear.

Another high point was the day he received a care package from his co-workers. It contained a very nice dvd player, home-made cookies, all kinds of snack items, magazines, books, dvd's and too many other items to mention. The look on Dale's face was priceless.

There have also been days when he could barely lift his head and days when he was too tired to walk to the rest room. There have been times when despite not having eaten in days, his system seemed determined to expel waste from both ends. Through it all, through every single day of it, Dale has remained optimistic, upbeat and kind. So very kind.

My dad has always adored Dale and had been very worried about him. Even though Dale could barely lift his head, he called dad to tell him things were going well. When I talked to dad after their visit, he said "I know he will be fine, I can tell by the timbre of his voice". Dale and I both cried over my dad's words.

There have been some anxious days, some scary times. But through it all, we've kept our spirits up by laughing and joking and taking pleasure in things that we'd normally take for granted, like a cheerful nurse or a normal bowel movement.

But today there was something to be truly thankful for. Today, the transplant doctor came in with the results of the most recent bone marrow biopsy. Today, the doctor said that it was "a very good graft".

Four. Little. Words.

Be Positive

In order to be “clean” enough for the transplant, Dale went through 2 days of intensive chemotherapy and 4 days of heavy duty radiation. The transplant was done on day 7.

Dale asked that we be there with him throughout the procedure and we were happy to oblige. Wolf got off of work at 6:30 and the transplant was scheduled for 7:30. It was Friday night and the traffic was hellish, to say the least. It is a 25 mile drive from the apartment to the hospital, but fortunately, Wolf has a highly developed sense of direction, inherited, of course from me, and he was able to take several back roads and alleys and we arrived in Dale’s room just as the marrow arrived.

Just before the doctor started the drip, Dale stood up, went to the stereo, put in a cd and lay back down in bed.

Wolf and I watched as the doctor prepared to start the potentially life-saving IV.

At 7:45 pm, Dale William Petersen began receiving cells that would change his life forever. His blood type, prior to the transplant, was 0 positive, after the transplant his type would change to B positive. Upon hearing that, Dale declared that he would from that moment on, BE POSTIVE! We all agreed that it was a good motto to live by.

Dale’s marrow came from a non-family donor. Despite the entire family being tested, none of us were a close enough match to be considered. His life-saving cells came from a European donor that he will never meet. Some wonderful human being, thousands of miles away, cared enough about a total stranger, to give him the gift of life.

And for that we will be eternally grateful.

You, too, can save a life.

Every day, thousands of patients are searching for a donor. You could be the one a patient needs. Join the National Marrow Donor Program (NMDP) Registry.

When you become a bone marrow donor, you join more than 10 million volunteers worldwide who stand ready to give someone a future.

We think it's worth it, what do you think?

Go Take a Hike

Saturday morning was very busy for Dale. He was admitted to the hospital and subjected to a grueling regiment of testing. He didn’t want us sitting around the hospital, and told us to “take a hike or something”. After making certain that our presence wasn’t needed, we followed his advice.

Wolf knew just where to go. We piled into his Element and headed for the hills (or mountains, in this case). The drive was beautiful. If you are ever in the Denver/Broomfield area, just hop on um, er, well, the road that leads to Boulder. Then take a turn or two or three and you will find yourself at the head of a beautiful hiking trail (aren’t you glad I’m not your navigator?).

The parking lot was full, so we parked about ¼ of a mile from it and climbed down to the trail. Ok, some of us climbed down; others (who shall remain nameless) slipped on the rocks and slid down on our bums.

We started up the trail, marveling at the beauty around us. Kay hadn’t spent much time in the Boulder area, so she was quite enthralled with the ruggedness of the mountains and the geology of the outcroppings. All of us were, to be honest. It was a wonderful break and exactly what we needed.

We walked for several miles. People on mountain bikes whizzed by; narrowly missing us several times. The sights and sounds and smells were intoxicating. We all agreed that we felt more alive and more relaxed than we had in a very long time. By the time we left, we felt ready to help Dale fight the battle of a lifetime.

Below are more photos from the trip.

Old bridge pilings.

A tiny waterfall.

I was liken the blue lichen.

Just pretty clouds and neat peaks.

I'd really like to learn to do that!

Music to Grow Cells By

With all of the yucky business this weekend, I wasn’t able to tell you all about the wonderful time we had taking Dale out on the town the night before he went into the hospital. So now, with most of the unpleasantness behind me (hopefully), I want to share that with you.

It was Dale’s last night of freedom in a minimum of 3 months so we wanted to make it special. Kay, Wolf and I picked Dan and Dale up at the hotel and went to a Mexican restaurant Dale had been eyeing since his arrival in town.

We sat at a large table near the back and laughed and talked about old times, carefully avoiding discussion of the reason we were all in Denver. Dale ate his fill (and then some) of the delicious food and we went back to the motel. Dan wanted to turn in for the night so Wolf, Kay and I decided to kidnap Dale and take him out on the town. It didn’t take much to convince Dale to leave his fate in our hands for the night.

Off we went.

Since Dale was scheduled to have 2 days of intensive chemotherapy followed by 4 days of very strong radiation therapy, twice per day, he needed something to occupy his mind. Dale has always been a music fan. For the last 20 or so years he has amassed a huge collection of Jazz. He is also very knowledgeable about the artists and the history. He asked if we might find a place to purchase some music for his collection and to listen to while he was undergoing radiation (the part that scared him the most).

Wolf knew just where to take him and we headed downtown to the Virgin Records Megastore. Dale had never been to Denver before and he was very excited to have the opportunity to see the sights. Downtown Denver is quite beautiful at night and we all gawked like the tourists we were. We parked in a parking lot right on the edge of “everything” and started walking towards the store.

It was obvious that the sights and sounds were very exciting to Dale. It was Friday night and there were thousands of people walking in the warm night air. Horse drawn carriages traveled along the cobblestone and jazz music could be heard far off in the distance. Dale stopped walking and I asked if he was okay.

“Yeah, just taking it all in.” he said, with tears in his eyes and a big smile on his face. We stood with him until he was ready to move on.

Our first stop was the record store. As we approached the massive building, Dale’s eyes lit up. The look was priceless and one I’ll never forget. It was as if every dream he’d ever had was coming true. I felt such joy seeing his face; I can’t begin to describe the feeling. I looked at Wolf and he looked back at me. We both had tears in our eyes.

When we walked through the door, Dale let out an audible gasp. I asked if he was okay and he just smiled.

“I could never have imagined it this big,” he said, sticking his tongue out at me.

Wolf located the Jazz section and led Dale over to the Miles Davis records. Dale’s eyes lit up as he saw the huge collection of his favorite artist’s CD’s. He started flipping through them and was astounded to discover the diversity available to him. It didn’t take long for him to find the exact CD he was looking for; “Sketches of Spain”. He had the album at home, but hadn’t brought it with him.

Dale beamed at Wolf and Wolf beamed back. Kay and I looked at each other and grinned. What a happy, joyful time.

Kay and I continued to browse while Dale told Wolf some of the history of Miles Davis’ career. Dale told him about Red Garland, a pianist in the Miles Davis quartet who had eventually formed his own group. He said he’d love to get his hands on a CD of his, “At the Prelude”. It was at that moment that Dale noticed the display he’d been standing next to.

I’ve never seen that look on his face before. It was as if, at that moment, he knew everything was going to be alright. He picked up the CD and held it in his hand.

“This,” he said, “is music to grow cells by”.

Laurie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today was not a very good day.

When I went out to get in my car to go to the hospital, I discovered that the driver's side front window had been smashed in and my stereo and other items had been "liberated". A vehicle next to mine had the same type of damage and there was a card on my console from a Broomfield Police Department officer, asking me to call. I placed the call and was told he wasn't in, but I could leave a voicemail if I wanted. That was hours ago. Still no return call. I called my insurance company and they said that an adjuster would contact me within 48 hours.

Honestly, I was pretty unnerved. I called my son who offered comforting words and told me it happened all the time and to call the cops and my insurance company.

I called my brother and he suggested that I could probably have the glass replaced sooner if I didn't go through the insurance company. He looked up several glass replacement companies and sent me their phone numbers. I finally found one that was open and they said they would come over tomorrow and put in a new window.

Being a woman of action (and a woman afraid of another rainstorm like yesterday's) I walked to the nearest box store to pick up some plastic for the window and gloves to clean the glass out of the car.

I found the items I needed and picked up some duct tape to help with the repair. I paid for the items and left the store, walking toward Wolf's apartment. As I neared home I caught sight of a man walking behind me. I stepped up the pace a bit and crossed the street. He did the same. I'm fairly tall and can walk pretty fast, so I picked up the pace again. I glanced around and he was still there. Remembering that I often have trouble with the lock on the apartment door, I decided not to go to there. I think my reaction had to do with the fight or flight response (obviously I picked flight), I won't kid you, I was scared shitless.

I walked at top speed for several blocks, and he fell further behind. I saw a group of people gathered around a church and walked toward them. He slowed, then stopped and finally turned around. I hovered on the edge of the crowd until I could be sure he was out of sight and high-tailed it to the apartment. My heart was beating a mile a minute by the time I managed to unlock the door and step inside. My hands were shaking so much I could barely lock the door behind me. I looked around the apartment to be sure I was alone and made certain the windows were locked. I had been planning to take the bus to the hospital, but fear over-ruled desire and I decided not to go.

To be honest, I was pretty shaken up. I have camped and hiked alone in the mountains of Montana and Wyoming, dozens of times, without fear. I have driven all over, alone, and nothing but my own driving and lack of direction, has frightened me. This, however, scared the hell out of me. I felt violated.

It took almost an hour to get up the nerve to go outside and put the plastic over my shattered window. As I knelt on the ground cleaning the glass from the seat and floor, I started to cry. Probably a dozen people walked through the parking lot and saw me and not one single person said a word to me. Not one.

At that point, all I wanted to do was to say f*ck screw goodbye Denver and go back to my small town and curl up with my kitties. If there hadn't been a gaping hole in my window, I might have gone inside, gathered up my things and headed for home. But I would have regretted my decision and turned around and come back. Being here isn't about me, it's about Dale.

And now, hours later, after being comforted by family (thanks, Mike and Wolf) and dear friends (thanks, you know who you are) and a cheap bottle of wine (or two), I am once again feeling secure enough to open the window and let in the warm Colorado breeze.

Longing

I don't have time to put together much of a post today. But I will say that Dale is doing better than expected. He's got a lot of heart and determination.

We've spent a lot of time talking about our lives and what we'd do differently if given the chance. We've talked about how much his illness has changed us all, making us stronger and more willing to give and receive love.

He wanted to me to tell you all how much he appreciates being in your thoughts and prayers.

Right now, he is longing for home. I guess everyone longs for something. I know I do.